Relationships and the Trap of Commitment

A case for a new definition of commitment

Here is my latest article on relationships which was published in the spring edition of Yoga Connection magazine.

Last time I wrote about expanding our definition of relationship to look at our relationship with everyone and everything. Through doing this and creating true intimacy in our relationships with ourselves, others, and everything - we are more able to clearly see ourselves and grow. (If you missed it, you can find it on my website below.)  In this piece, I want to focus now on a single aspect of intimate relationship that can trap us and limit our ability to be healthy and grow: commitment.  And before you turn the page thinking this doesn’t apply to you because you don’t have a partner or think you already have commitment, remember, we have a relationship (and commitment) with everything, so this applies to our jobs, meditation, yoga, fitness, spiritual practice and more.

When I look up commitment in the thesaurus I see it is associated with words like liability, must, need, and ought. Yuck!  In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) it’s well known that if you throw “should” in there too you’ve got the perfect recipe for unrealistic expectations, cognitive distortions, guilt, and plenty of negative self-talk.  Actually, nothing should, ought, or must be any particular way other than what it is. In one of my favorite quotes Virginia Satir says, "Life is not what it's supposed to be. It's what it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."  So we want to eliminate words like “should” and “must” from or vocabulary, but does that mean we also throw away commitment?

One way we may view commitment is as a static, permanent obligation. We assume once we commit to a relationship, be it a partnered relationship, a job, or a practice, that it will always be there, as long as we conform to another’s expectations, we will be fine and the relationship will last. This leads to the implicit contract of dependence that many of us have with our partner or employer. When we buy into the illusion of permanence, we have a false sense of comfort and security and our relationship can become dull, lifeless, and confining.   Even good relationships that bring us joy can grow dull and lifeless when we depend on them. And when the relationship goes away, it can leave us struggling to find ground.

The reality is that the relationship will end at some point. We will die, the job will change, our once abled body will not always be, and if we don’t keep working toward intimacy and deeper relationship with our partner or friend it will grow flat and the other person may want to leave. The same is true with the relationship to our jobs, if we don’t show up authentically, speak our truth, and keep growing, it grows stale. It is easy to assume the vows we make and the paper we sign somehow protect us from change and guarantee that our partner will always be there for us. It will end one day, it will not always be there, so why would we just rest on the false sense of security of a paper commitment?  By living with the reality of impermanence, we are able to live more fully co-creating the relationship we want.

Everything about us, within as well as without -our relationships, our thoughts, our feelings- is impermanent, in a constant state of flux. Being aware of this, the mind craves permanency… There is only one fact: impermanence. J. Krishnamurti, The Book of Life

It is not the relationship or commitment that is the problem, it is our depending on or clinging to it and the fear of it ending that keeps us from fully expressing ourselves and bringing life to the relationship.  When we are dependent on the other and fear that it will end and we conform to what we think the other wants, we are cutting ourselves off from our life force.  We are selling ourselves short, living in fear and not bringing our full self to the relationship. We are depriving ourselves and our partner of our best. 

But how to you commit to something that is guaranteed to end?  It is actually easier if we remember that we can count on nothing to be there tomorrow, and that is true for everything so we may as well not hold on to false expectations. When remind ourselves that it will end one day, it is a good reminder to bring our best energy to the relationship now. Any commitment not alive in the present moment is based on living in the past or wanting security in the future.

Really, the only thing we can commit to is being fully in relationship right now in each moment, to deepening in our relationship, to growth and understanding and to speaking our truth of the moment, knowing full well we could be wrong or it may change. By committing to be honest with ourselves and honest with the other in relationship, we are able to truly see where we are, we can work with it, and we can grow.  The other part of commitment is being present and being willing to hear our partner’s truth, and be okay when it changes too. 

True commitment helps us to trust and stick it out a little longer; even when our relationship partner’s current truth is a little hard to hear.   With true commitment, we practice unconditional acceptance of ourselves and our partner, for who they are, where they are, right now.  And not having an expectation that we or our partner will do this for us perfectly every day, they are human just like us.

As we grow and change, we are bound to do so in ways that are difficult for our partner. If we have no commitment, most of us find it easier to just leave. So having commitment can help us to feel safer to speak our truth and grow together, knowing your partner will be willing to hear you out and not just bolt out the door. Even those of us that are “happily married” probably have never defined our commitment in these terms, rather we choose to avoid conflict to keep the peace. But the price for this false peace is the deeper connection, love, and growth that is possible in authentic relationship. 

You could have this level of commitment in any relationship. This type of honesty is more likely with a friendship, because the risk is lower if they walk away. If you’ve had any good lifelong friends, you’ve probably been through so many conflicts and deepened in your relationship you don’t need to fear them leaving you because you know you’ve done it before. Speaking your truth can lead to conflict, which when met with commitment to relationship and understanding, can be worked though creating deeper healthier relationship.

When we are committed, we send the message to our self, our job, our friend, our partner that “I’ll be there for you,” which creates safety for us and the other person to be real and honest.   When we feel safe enough to take the risk to speak our truth in that moment, we open ourselves up to really see our beliefs and patterns and then when we see them clearly, we can actually change.   We can improve our relationship with ourself, with our friends, our partners, our job, and with life.

Commitment takes constant renewal and questioning. Why am I doing this?  Is what I’m doing leading me closer to this purpose?  What is my desire?  Commitment made once and depended on like a crutch is a trap and it grows old and stale.  Commitment can only be made in each moment, and when it is approached like this it is alive and fresh and becomes fuel and passion.

“When you truly embrace your human impermanence you connect with the power you have, and influence you have, over the time you have.”  ― Steve Maraboli

If everything is impermanent, what can we commit to?  Showing up fully in the present moment and giving fully of ourselves, speaking our truth.  Recently I was a participant in a men’s group and in an exercise, I told a man I just met 10 seconds prior I could see his sensitivity and fear. His eyes watered.  It was true for me in the moment, but did I go too far?  I was scared to be that honest with a man I don’t know, but I took the risk to share honestly.  In the next part of the exercise, the receiver was to share the impact it had.  He shared that it felt like a gift, given to him for no real reason. 

Show up fully, and give your truth, give your full self in each moment, and accept yourself and your partner in this truth.  Commitment is a gift to ourself and others in our lives. When we do this our relationship with ourself, others, and our practice will deepen. Commit to yourself and others to show up fully in each moment.  Your full self all you really have to give.  When viewed like this, commitment is not a trap; rather it’s the key to set you free.

~chuck

What do you think? Better yet, what do you feel? What do you experience? Let's continue the conversation! You can find me at www.innerlifeadventures.com or email c@innerlifeadventures.com.  Want to meet?  Here's how.

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed is a National Certified Counselor and a Registered Psychotherapist in the state of CO. He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new patterns.

Reflections on a Path

This is an adaptation of a presentation I gave for the Larimer Workforce Center.  If you would like me to give a similar presentation to your group, I'd be happy to do so and revise it to make it relevant for your group's purpose, obviously, many more metaphors can be drawn out of this. Better yet, let's go take a hike together and experience it for yourself!

I’m about to tell you a story, but it’s not really my story.  It is your story too.  And it is not really about what you think it is.  Imagine you are setting off on a journey, a path, your particular path.  What is happening as you prepare for your journey?  Are you nervous?  Excited?  Calm? What are you experiencing?

I lock each door of my car one by one, making sure it is secure to protect my wallet, cell phone, and laptop I’m leaving behind.  As I pass through the gate, I stop and set my intention: right now, I’m going to leave the stress and to-do list behind, and just be present with the hill and what it has to show me today. 

As I set off up the mountain, I notice my body still stiff and mind still chewing on things.  I guess my intention doesn't just automatically make itself so.  Oh well.  I’m still carrying my keys because I don’t have any pockets, but I don’t want them. Do I really care about what is in the car anyway? I decide to find a rock to hide them under. Got to remember where I put them on the way down. (Or do I?)  

Now I’m free.  I’m carrying nothing.   Just a pair of Vibram Five Fingers on my feet and some thin layers of clothes.

I pass a group of hikers and I’m breathing hard.  I don’t know how much I really feel like running today. The hill is steep.  I haven’t run trails or hiked much this year, so I’m questioning my sanity for choosing to do this today.  It would be easy to turn around still, I’m quite tempted, but I keep going.

I wind my way up steep and rocky switchbacks.  Carefully placing my feet so don’t hurt my exposed toes.  Breathing harder, I’m approaching a woman with a dog.  I’m concentrating so much on getting oxygen and foot placement that when I look up to see where she is at I stumble and stub my toes.  Ouch!  But as I pass her she says, “Good morning.”  And it is. 

No matter how hard I try to step carefully, every now and then I step on a rock that digs right through these thin soles right into my tender foot.  But it is worth it.  I don’t want to be numb; instead I choose to experience everything around me.

I’ve been numbing for years, but I’ve learned that by keeping myself sensitive to it all, the joy and bliss I feel when things are smooth and soft are so worth the occasional pain when I trip or stumble.  And the risk of being so exposed helps me to be more careful, more aware, more alive!

As I continue picking my steps up the hill, my body and breath are falling into sync. My arms, my torso, my legs, my feet, my lungs, and my mind are all working together now and I’m feeling great!   As I near the top, my lungs are telling me that they can’t keep up, so I compassionately slow my pace to almost a walk to let them replenish my oxygen.  But my limbs continue to move freely, propelling me up the mountain much more efficiently than when I walk.  I have momentum and the help of all the different parts of me working together, which helps when things get tough.

I approach a junction.  I have no plan, no watch, just a couple of free hours with which to explore the landscape.  Yes, the outer landscape, and the inner one too.  I choose the path that will take me up and over the ridge and across the road to the water rather than staying on the same lateral path.  As I make my way over the ridge, and down the hill, I notice the joy that comes as I’m picking up speed going downhill.  It is both scary and fun.  I have to place my feet carefully still, as there are plenty of rocks, and I’m going downhill fast.  Finding all the soft spots for my feet, letting gravity pull me down the hill, it feels so good!.  A huge smile grows on my face. I could trip and fall at any moment, and I come close several times, but I keep going, doing my best to be in partnership with gravity. It all falls into place so perfectly and I’m giddy with joy.  I wonder to myself if trail running on steep rocky terrain isn’t a sure path to instant enlightenment!

As I make my way along the trail near the reservoir, the path is narrow and steep.  One trip or misplaced step and I could tumble a hundred feet down the sheer ridge into the water.  My gaze looks up from time to time to enjoy the full big picture view, but mostly I have to keep focused on where I’m stepping as it changes so fast! The path is mostly smooth, so I keep going, running full speed ahead.  I feel confident that my practice of careful footwork in the rocks will keep me on the trail. 

As I get closer to the inlet, I hear the water lapping up on the shore.  It calls to me. So I take a break from my running to scramble down to the water and sit by the shore.  I sit and practice mindfulness for a while.  Feeling my heart pounding, lungs bellowing, the winds and the dampness caress my skin, the cold rock under my butt, hearing the gentle waves kissing the shore, watching the patterns and colors in the ripples of the water.  My breath and my body become still.  It is a nice contrast to the brisk movement of the rest of my morning – kids, email, driving, running.   But my body starts to chill, so I decide to set off running again.

I make my way back to a junction, and this time I decide to go a different way.  A way I’ve never gone before.  It brings me right back to a junction I was at before.  I didn’t even notice that trail as being a choice when I was there last. 

I keep going and the trail seems to end.  But then I noticed it just changed.  And there was a sign even showing me which way to go!  All it took was to hop a barrier and the surface became smooth and easy.  But today this flat paved road was not my path, so I turned back to look for the way that felt right for me.

Right around the corner could be a nice smooth downhill, a steep rocky one, or a grueling hill.  You never know until you get there, and then you just enjoy the twists, turns, and surprises that are thrown at you.

If I go left, I head back down to the car, but I’ve already been right.  I’m not quite ready to be done yet, so I go right and enjoy the trail again.  Now that my body is more warmed up, I feel even more precise and enjoy the trail even more!  But I don’t know how far I will go.  So I keep running.  Eventually I decided I had experienced enough for today, so I turn around.

As I make my way back to the parking lot, the trail is smooth and fast, but there is one last small uphill stretch right at the end.  “It figures,” I think.  “That is how it always is.”  But I’m not angry about it, I just continue running.  Feeling my lungs, my body, my feet contact the ground.  The really, the trail is sometimes steep uphill, it sometimes levels out, it sometimes is gradually downhill, sometimes it is going down so fast it is scary, sometimes it is flat and boring, sometimes it is smooth and comfortable, sometimes there are lots of rocks and obstacles.  So I just keep running, knowing it will end soon, and I’ve done my best. 

Oh, and what I didn’t mention, is this whole time the path was talking to me.  Saying, “It’s just like life you know, this run you are on. All these things you are struggling with out there, I’m showing you how to deal with them. You are doing it beautifully, right now.  Just keep doing it out there too.”

This particular journey is coming to a close.  We don’t get to take anything physical with us, but you can choose to take with you some new knowledge, insight, belief, or feeling.  What have you gained by reflecting on this journey?  What have you gained by reflecting on your individual journey?  What new thought, idea, or feeling are you taking with you today, that will help you as you set off on your next journey?  What do you want to carry with you on the next segment of your path?

What do you think?  Better yet, what do you feel?  What do you experience?  Let's continue the conversation.  I'd love to hear about your path and how this has impacted you.

~chuck

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed is a National Certified Counselor and a Registered Psychotherapist in the state of CO.  He has completed comprehensive training in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness mind-body centered approach. Chuck guides individuals and groups in self-exploration providing them with insight and tools for change. He also incorporates nature as a therapy tool to help shift perspective and inspire new thought patterns.  He can be reached at chuck@innerlifeadventures.com or www.innerlifeadventures.com.

Time for a Change

One simple practice for creating meaningful change in your life.

Forget about simple new year’s resolutions.  They don’t work.  Take some time to really ask yourself what you want to be different in 2012 and what gets in your way of doing it.

In my work with groups outdoors, there is an activity I do sometimes as a “warm up,” that me a lot about the people in the group.  It is called “Time for a Change” and it is quite simple.  Everyone stands in a circle and one person volunteers to come into the center and lead one stretch or movement.  That person is in the middle until someone calls out “time for a change” and takes the spot in the middle. 

This simple exercise shows how willing we are to initiate change and how we can also tolerate boredom, discomfort,  or just things not being right for us for a long time without wanting to be the one to change it.  And we all have the power to change it at any time. 

Some people jump right in and just do it without thinking too much and do something just to do it.  Some people feel they have to know the right thing to do before speaking up.  Some people know exactly what they need but are too afraid to put themselves out there to do it.

My inner dialog the first time I did this went something like this: “Oh, this is good, everyone else has some great ideas for things to do, and I’m enjoying this.  Oh, nobody is doing a stretch for my back or calves, they really could use it.  I don’t know if I really want do that on the woodchips, it might be uncomfortable.  Maybe nobody else wants to do that, then I’ll be out there leading people in something they don’t want to do and I’ll look silly.  OK, now most everyone else has done something and I still haven’t got to do the thing I want to do.  I guess if I want this to happen, I need to do it.  I guess I’ll jump in now.”  I call out “time for a change.”  I step in the center, I get a little nervous having everyone look at me, I do my stretch, someone says “Oh, good one, I needed that.” I start getting uncomfortable that nobody is taking over.  Finally someone jumps in and I step back out thinking, “Oh, that wasn’t that bad and my body feels better now.”

Of course, I’m not writing about this so you can form a circle of your friends and run though some stretches, but if you want to go for it!  I hope to get you to think about what keeps you from calling for a change in your own life?  We all go through a similar process with making any change in our life.  Is your process something like mine?  Are you waiting for someone else to do it for you? Are you afraid of putting yourself out there?  Do you feel you have to know the exact right, perfect thing to do before you will risk making a change?  Do you rush right in and say something has to change before having any ideas on what to change? Would you rather just continue tolerating things not being right for you than risk actually getting what you want or need?

Start by checking in with yourself honestly.  Are you happy with everything in your life, or do you feel there is something that is off that you could change?  What change do you feel wants to happen?  What keeps you from doing it?  Can you risk going for it?  If it feels too big to just jump into with both feet, can you identify some small steps that you are willing to commit to? 

1. Take the time now to ask yourself, “What is important to me?”  Keep asking it.  What is really important to you? 
2. Write the top 3 things on a card and put them on your bathroom mirror.
3. Then ask yourself each night as you brush your teeth, how much of my day did I spend on these things that are really important to me?  Was I better today than yesterday?  How will you do better tomorrow? 

Slowly but surely, you will start to create real change in your life.  Change takes daily commitment and takes time.  But if you are really working on the things that are important, it is worth it and it is inevitable!  Here’s to you defining and creating the you and the year you want in 2012!

~chuck

Let's continue the conversation! You can find me at www.innerlifeadventures.com or email c@innerlifeadventures.com.  Want to meet?  Here's how.

Redefining Relationship

How our relationships teach us about ourselves

Many of us are looking to change something in our lives.  Have less stress and anxiety, feel better, be happier, increase confidence, know our life path, and more.   Yoga and meditation are really fantastic tools to help us with these things and so much has been written on how and why they help.  So I won’t focus on that here.  But if we really want to change our external world and not just our internal world, we need to take what we learn in our practice and bring it out into the world and the path to doing this is through relationship.

To do this, we start to become more mindful and aware of our relationships.  We have a relationship with everything.  We have a relationship with our partner, our friends, our kids, co-workers, “strangers,” money, the unknown, our home, nature, technology, our possessions, everything.  We can’t fully know ourselves unless we know ourselves in relationship to “other.”  It is so easy to continually seek the peace we can find on the mat or the cushion, but then it can become an escape, something we do outside of our world.  When our practice is only solitary and focused on seeking peace, it is easy to become trapped in our own patterns and our practice is disconnected from the world.  When we take that present focused, open, curious, non-judgmental attitude of our practice out into the world and into our relationships, we are able to more fully see ourselves.

Most writing on relationship is targeted  toward lovers simply because this is sadly the only relationship many of us are willing to risk intimacy with, and even then many of us still don’t.  But it is a huge mistake to withhold or limit our intimacy.  Through intimacy, honesty, and awareness, relationship is a huge mirror for us to really see ourselves in ways we are able to ignore when we try to do it all ourselves. 

Michael Stone, in his book Awake in the World writes:

Yoga is the expression of intimacy in every one of our actions in three spheres: body, speech, and mind.  Intimacy does not simply refer to sex. I translate the word yoga as “intimacy” to connote the fact that everything is inherently contingent on everything else, from the basic molecules and strings that hold the world together all the way to the familial bonds that give rise to families and character.  When we see that interconnectedness runs through each and every thing we encounter, we begin to see that entering our lives fully is the deepest kind of intimacy we can ever encounter (emphasis added).  In fact, in order to heal, we need to find an intimate connection to whatever it is that ails us.

When we expand our definition of relationship, we can choose to be in authentic, intimate relationship with anybody or anything.  Just as intimacy is not about sex, authentic, intimate relationship need not be limited to just one person as we so often assume.  To be in authentic relationship takes trust, openness, honesty, and willingness.  We can say to ourselves, “I’m not going to be authentic with this person because I don’t trust them,” but really that is just placing blame and responsibility for our trust on someone else.  Ultimately, we only need to be trusting, willing, and open with ourselves.

The first step is being fully honest and intimate in our relationship with ourselves.  By sitting with ourselves in acceptance of whatever we are feeling, in the calm, peace, and happiness we seek, but also the agitation, fear, judgments, aloneness, sadness, and frustration.  For years I used to use mindfulness practice such as yoga and meditation as a form of disassociation – I would just concentrate on something as a way to block out what I was really feeling.  There is value in being able to not identify and define ourselves by our thoughts and feelings, but we can’t just ignore them forever either.  I was being distant with myself, rather than intimate.  I would dismiss feelings or negative parts of myself as being undesirable.  But this is a goldmine of information and exactly what we need to pay attention to in order to move closer to what we are seeking.  As they say, “The only way out is through.”

John Wellwood writes, “Each of us has these two forces at work inside us: an embryonic wisdom that wants to blossom from the depths of our being, and the imprisoning weight of our karmic patterns. From birth to death, these two forces are always at work, and our lives hang in the balance. Since human nature always contains these two sides, our journey involves working with both.”  When we can be with ourselves fully and look at our patterns, both the ones we like and the ones we don’t, and be with whatever we are feeling with acceptance and curiosity, we can then bring our practice into the world.  And through this intimate knowing of our patterns, we are able to take them off auto pilot and touch more deeply the peace and wisdom that we seek through our practice.

Once we begin deepening the relationship with ourselves, we can become more aware in our relationship with our partner or closest friends.  When we can take this same level of intimacy to our relationships with other people, we can start to see even more clearly our patterns and how they help us and how they limit us.  Through speaking our truth in the moment, we expose ourselves in ways we can’t in solitary practice.  We can then see the reactions, reflections, and support of the “other” which helps us work more fully with what is inside of us.

The one who has a good

friend doesn't need any mirror.  ~Rumi

We can choose to be intimate – that is open, honest, and vulnerable with whomever or whatever we want.  And it is through this type of relationship that we become more fully exposed to and aware of our programming as we move through our daily lives.  As we do this, is important too to be gentle, patient, and loving with ourselves too, as we start to see ourselves more clearly.  It is only with this patience and self-love that we can start to change our patterns. If we fight them or dislike them, they only grow stronger.  And by being more transparent with others, we open ourselves up to the possibility of healing through being seen and accepted even in the things we don’t want people to see.

Being someone who tops the charts on the Meyers-Briggs introversion scale, I can tell you that it is scary to risk sharing in this way with even those closest to us.  And I know it is scary for the extroverts too, this level of deep sharing.  But when we bring this practice into our relationships, we get real world application, we get triggered, and we get to look in the mirror in a much stronger way then we will ever achieve practicing alone.  I have found the benefits are well worth the risk and fear.  It is a practice in and of itself to try to do this consistently.

Every moment of our day is ripe with reflections of our patterns and opportunities to practice.  For example, just today I was talking to someone who knows I bike commute most of the time and he said “Be careful at the bike rack, if I rode today.” With those last four words, I noticed myself get tense, my throat clenched, my arms and shoulders pulled slightly in, and my stomach tightened.  I chose not to respond to his statement and admit that I drove, but rather changed the subject to something else.  I later asked myself “What was that about?” It was not the first time I’ve seen myself do that, and I realized it was one of my old patterns of wanting to be liked and wanting to be seen as a “good person” so my strategy is to not say anything that could disprove that.  In this case, I want to be seen as someone who selflessly rides my bike everywhere for the environment, but the truth is I drive sometimes, and feel bad about it or maybe I feel bad about not living up to my image of myself.  By witnessing myself in that interaction I got to see my pattern shown to me, but I missed out on being honest about my decision to drive, which may have led to him admitting that he did too, or maybe even reassuring me I’m not a horrible person because I drove today.

The more we choose to be honest, authentic, and intimate, the more reflections we get, the more clearly we are able to see ourselves, and the more chances we get to escape from our patterns.  Each time we choose to be intimate, we get a reflection that is colored by the person or object that is reflecting.  So to really see ourselves clearly in relationship, the more reflections the better so we can start to sort out what is ours, what is theirs, and what doesn’t need to be there anymore.

The deep exploration of ourselves leads to deeper relationships with people and the world.  And deeper relationships with the world lead to deeper exploration of ourselves.  There is no separation. To focus on one to the neglect of the other leaves us only seeing part of the picture.  So let’s have courage and trust in ourselves to be more fully open and intimate with all our relations – in our relationship with ourselves and with “other,” so we can bring the changes we seek both within ourselves and out into the world.

~chuck

What do you think?  Let's continue the conversation! You can find me at www.innerlifeadventures.com or email c@innerlifeadventures.com.  Want to meet?  Here's how.

Getting Down to Busyness

I’ve been delinquent in writing, but it certainly is not because I’ve been lazy.  Or maybe I have.  A saying I ponder often is: busyness is a form of laziness.

I know it is true for me.  There is a never ending stream of “things to do.”  Email, chores, family duties, email, paying bills, keeping in touch with people, articles to both read and write, shopping, email, books  to read, videos to watch, facebook, email… If I spelled it all out the list would be endless, like my email. When I’m caught up in “git-r-done” mode (sorry, I’m originally from the south), it feels like I’m on an endless treadmill of doing.

As you know, I’m someone who advocates for mindfulness and self-awareness, and I do my best to walk the walk too.  So each night I sit for at least 5-15 minutes to “do nothing.”  To just sit and let my mind slow down and check in to see where I’m at on this day.  But I notice when I’m caught up in my periods of busyness, it is so much harder to actually drop in.  My mind wants to just keep going, “don’t stop now,” it says, “you’ve got much more to do on your list.”  It’s like my system wants to stay in motion. As Newton taught us, “an object in motion tends to stay in motion.” I guess the laws of physics apply to us too!

It really does feel like that to me, like when I’m in the “git-r-done” mode I have momentum on my side, which helps propel me through my tasks and with momentum, I’m able to get more done.  I’ve also noticed though, that staying in this mode of busyness comes at a price.  I know I lose a level of quality, precision, and depth.  The focus is more on the checking things off the list than it is on doing things well.  I tend to cut corners.  And I don’t really give myself into the richness of each moment that I have with the people that are involved in my interactions.  (But that is a topic for my next article on relationship coming soon!)

But here is the most important consequence in my opinion. By staying in motion, it is like we are on plane on a boat.  We are skimming along the surface not really sinking into the water. We lose touch with ourselves.  I know when I’m in busyness, I’m less available to my feelings, my empathy, my intuition, and I’m less available to connect with other people.  I lose touch with how “I’m” doing and I’m just “doing.”  I start to feel like the cog in the wheel.  I’m less available to myself and to the people in my life that matter most.  Any of these sound familiar?

Losing touch with ourselves and our close relationships is a big problem.  It reminds me of the Rwandan proverb: “You can out-distance that which is running after you, but not what is running inside you.” Eventually there comes a time when we can’t ignore what is inside of us any longer.  In our culture, because we ignore it for so long, it builds like a volcano and comes out in  the form of a crisis – in our relationships, jobs, or mental health (depression or anxiety anyone?).  But the problem with this is we are then doing crisis work rather than health and growth work.  We have less of our resources available to healing and being able to really change because we are too busy trying to put out the fire. 

By staying in busyness all the time, we are really being lazy and neglectful in tending to our humanness and it causes problems in our personal lives.  It causes disconnect within ourselves and in our close relationships.  Further, it decreases our availability to each other and decreases the quality of our work when our focus is on just getting things done rather than getting things done well and learning from the experience. 

So how do we change this?  Well, it requires a shift in values and change in our expectations.  Is our priority our humanness or our business?  There is the cliché, "No one on their deathbed ever said, 'I wish I spent more time at work,'” so I know where we say our values are, but we don’t actually do it.  We need to slow down and give ourselves permission to not get as much done in this moment.  We need to re-prioritize and put our relationships with ourselves and the people in our life first. 

Ironically, as I write this my 2 year old daughter climbs on my lap.  At first, it was easy for me to set the computer aside and play with her. I’d let her climb on me, flip her upside down, give her some tickles, we laugh and I put her down and pick the computer back up and keep writing.  Then she climbs up again, we repeat.  After the 3^rd time I realized I was starting to get a little annoyed, because I just wanted to get this article finished! I had momentum! Luckily, I am writing about this exact thing at the moment, so I was able to close the computer and play with her until she was done playing.  We laugh together, I laugh at myself, I learn.  It is a constant practice.

It also helps to check in with ourselves from time to time throughout the day.  Take a pause and a few deep breaths whenever switching tasks.  Get outside and take a slow walk over lunch trying to notice as much as you can about your internal and external environment.  At each red light, take a few deep breaths, check in with yourself and see how many beautiful things you can identify.  Or maybe even do a quick 2-5 minute meditation once or twice in the middle of the day.  I always sit for at least 1 minute and just breathe and settle before starting a session with a client.  These things help to be sure we don’t get too far away from ourselves.  Make sure we don’t get so swept away on the “git-r-done” train that we get carried too far from ourselves and what is really important to us.  Because when we get too far carried away, often it takes a huge leap, an expensive ride, or a crisis to get back.

I realize that even these suggestions on how to stay in touch with ourselves are more things to do and can easily be viewed as one more task to add to the list.  If we look at our practice as another task in our busyness, we will still only slow the boat down, never really resting back in the water.  So let’s try to remember that staying in touch with ourselves and the people in our lives is our primary job.  All the rest is extra credit.  Let’s not be lazy by doing so much that we lose touch with our real work.  Will you help remind me? 

~chuck

Let's continue the conversation! You can find me at www.innerlifeadventures.com or email c@innerlifeadventures.com.  Want to meet?  Here's how.

Lessons Learned from Mowing the Lawn

Lessons Learned from Mowing the Lawn
or “How to deal with shit”

Author’s note: Please excuse my heavy use of the word “shit” in this essay. When I talk to my son, I use the word poop. But poop does not convey the full meaning of what I’m trying to express. So I chose to write this using the word shit to be as accurate as I can. I know the word shit is offensive to some people, so if this includes you, I ask for your forgiveness. Or maybe you can just do the opposite substitution and read the word poop whenever you see shit. Or if it is really offensive, maybe just click away and forget I ever wrote this so it doesn't taint your image of me as a person.  You can choose whatever works best for you. Humble regards, ~ch.

This weekend I mowed the lawn. I had been away for a few weeks. We have two dogs. My four year old wanted to help, which looks like him holding on to the mower while I try to maneuver it, him, and myself through tall grass while avoiding landmines (aka: dog crap) that you can’t see due to tall grass.

So what seemed like a standard beautiful Colorado afternoon turned into an adventure; filled with excitement, quality time with my son, and a number of lessons about life. Here is what I learned:

• When you don’t keep up with shit, it can accumulate quickly.
• It is sometimes hard to see shit until it is right in front of you.
• It seems like shit is all around us, but it is only helpful to pay attention to the shit you are about to step in.
• Sometimes we can see the shit other people are near. It is only helpful to point out the shit they are just about to step in. Otherwise, we just spend all our time pointing out shit.
• Sometimes, despite your best efforts to warn them, people will still step in shit. It does not good to get disappointed, blame, or worse, say “I told you so.” All we can do is just love them and help them clean themselves up.
• We can’t get so focused on keeping others out of shit, or we’ll step in it ourselves.
• While we can just step over it, we have to clean up the shit that is in our way. Otherwise, we may step in it later when we are not paying attention.

When I talk to people or read the news, it seems like most of the shit everyone is talking about is the economy, what the government is doing (or not doing), money, or jobs. But there is plenty of other shit we deal with that is directly in our control. Lots of the shit that is right in front of us comes from our relationships with our partners, parents, kids, co-workers, and especially our relationship with ourselves.

What shit do you see and are busy pointing at that you don’t need to be right now? What shit is right in front of you that you keep stepping in because you don’t take the time to clean it up? Are you more concerned with pointing out shit in front of other people that you are not paying attention to the shit in front of you?

And of course, I can’t end this without stating the obvious. The grand-daddy of all the lessons. The universal truth. “Shit Happens.” I can’t take credit for this; I think the bumper sticker guru coined it. But what are we doing with the shit? Are we learning from it? Are we cleaning it up? Are we ignoring it and letting it pile up? Or worse, are we just pointing at all the shit and not doing anything about it?

Who knew dog shit could teach us this much? OK, enough talking about shit. I need to get back to cleaning it up.

Dynamic Mindfulness

Here is an article I wrote that was published in the Yoga Connection Magazine this week.  If you are local to Fort Collins, be sure to find a copy around town and check out all the other great writing it holds!  Enjoy.

“I’m a busy person; I just can’t find the time to meditate…” Sound familiar?  It is important to have a regular sitting practice of a relatively long duration, but if you don’t, do not think the magic of mindfulness is out of your reach.  It only takes a few seconds of attention throughout the day to be able to start to reap some of the rewards of mindfulness.  That is all it takes to learn about what is happening inside, which is a big part of what mindfulness does for us.

Formal practices like meditation and yoga asana work to sharpen the tool of our mind. Then the real work comes in every moment of every day, as we go about our daily duties and interacting with the world around us.

The brain is extremely good at being efficient.  It takes in over 4 million bits of information per second, but it is only able to send 2200 bits to the cortex for processing.  The way it filters out what gets sent on is through classifying experience and creating patterns from what it has already learned.  It learns to recognize things then files them away into neuron firing patterns we call beliefs, causing most of our taking in of new information and reacting to our environment to be automatic.

This demonstrates that we don’t really see the world as it is; rather we see the world as we are. Two ways to uncover these automatic patterns and increase our ability to perceive differently are mindfulness and utilizing the reflections of other people in relationship. Mindfulness is like a zoom lens that helps us to see and examine all the layers of patterning inside us. Relationship is an external mirror that gives us a set of eyes outside of us.  When combined, we are able to truly see ourselves inside and out. 

One of my teachers is fond of saying, “life is one big long sloppy probe.” Life is constantly poking and prodding us to help us to see where we currently stand.  All day long we get a chance to look at our stories, our automatic behavior, patterning, and reactions.  This is where the magic of mindfulness is most useful, otherwise we continue on autopilot.  Some might think it is not necessary to waste any time looking at these things, we should only focus on the positive and light.  However, by looking at the things in us that we do not want to look at, our shadow can often reveal many of our automatic behaviors. I know that I have personally used the veil of calling myself a “spiritual person” as a cover for not seeing some of the things I think and do that are, let’s just say less than divine. 

I once thought we needed to just strive for purity of consciousness, to just think good thoughts and do good things,  but I have learned to do that it is necessary to look at and know all of patterns and beliefs otherwise they come out when we least want them to. It is these patterns, habits, and beliefs that we have to work with in this life and it is through knowing these things which are not us that we can start to know who we really are.  It is sort of like cleaning the mirror – you have to first know the mirror is dirty, then you need to know what kind of dirty it is in order to grab the right types of cleaners, then you have to work to clean the mirror before you can see the pure reflection underneath.  When we can look at all of our patterning, we can find all the things that are not us, in order to see what is really is us. 

So if we are going to look at ourselves through the lens of mindfulness in every moment, it is especially important to remember to be kind, gentle, and compassionate with ourselves. When we really start to look at ourselves in this way, honestly and thoroughly, it is easy to get down on ourselves.  We must remember that everything is perfect and right – there is nothing “wrong” with us.  And it is not just a good idea to be gentle with ourselves because it feels good, it is through loving the darker parts of ourselves that they lose power. When we hate them or ignore them, we just fuel them.  By choosing to look at and accept our automatic responses throughout the day, we gain more awareness of our nature which leads to more freedom and more choice in not being bound by it. 

The richest moments for us to use mindfulness are in every moment of every day when we are engaging with the world and the good news is that it doesn’t take long periods of time. Our brains are quick! It is engaging with the world and in relationship with other people that our patterns are most active.  By tuning in to what is really happening inside, we can start to recognize when we are on auto-pilot and when we are responding with conscious awareness and choice.

Through internal self-study of a regular mindfulness practice, using moments of mindfulness throughout our day, and combining that with studying our interactions with people and our world, we can get the complete view of our system.  By looking at all these layers and embracing them with love and acceptance, our patterning loses its strength.  It brings our shadow into the light, and then we are not controlled by it and we are more free to be our true selves.  By shining the light of mindfulness on all the things that are not us, we are able to see them more clearly, give them less power, and then start to see who we really are.

Chuck Hancock, M.Ed., NCC has been on his own inner life adventure his whole life, but has only started becoming more aware of it as a practitioner and student of yoga and contemplative practices for the past 8 years.  Chuck is trained in the Hakomi Method of Experiential Psychotherapy, a mindfulness based body-centered form of self exploration and he facilitates experiential groups and individual counseling.  He can be reached at c@innerlifeadventures.com.